Disclaimer: I'm human.

My breath smells like shit when I wake up in the morning and it won't get much better during the day, no matter how many times I brush my teeth -which, of course, are yellow and a crooked. My feet are horrible with my white toenails and countless hair and veins all over them, plus two ridiculous scars on the left one, product of a nasty fracture. And am I skinny, Lord! Have the body of a 13-year-old with chest hair and a couple of tattoos. Oh, and a hipster wannabe beard, topped with a huge nose next to a couple of jumbo ears.

I sometimes stutter when I talk; my mind goes faster than my mouth and it's really hard to keep up. Because I think all sort of things, all day long and even at nights, to the point I have problems falling asleep and remain like that for over 6 hours a day. I think that's why I like writing. Gets my mind out of all the other deeper or shallow thoughts and focuses it in one thing at a time, word by word, one sentence after the other. This doesn't mean I'm good at it, or if I am I couldn't know. I'm a perfectionist freak and never think the result of my creation it's a right fit to what I wanted to express. I'm a bitch to myself.

English is not my first language, and it's very easy to tell by listening to me talk. When I'm not struggling to find the right word -my vocabulary is not as extensive as I'd like-, my Latin accent or my nervous stuttering get in the way, making me curse to get by. Despite that, I got the nerve not only to write in this language, but also to advice about love, sex, relationships and life in general in my writings. Even worse: I publish it!

I do not base my columns in other authors or studies. I share my own experience and biased point of view, decorated with a few nice words and patronizing tone. The truth is that, although I am constantly preaching about how honesty is the way to go, I don't always follow it. I try my best to keep on the right path, but I have lied and cheated as well. And I have made mistakes. No, more than mistakes, I've fucked up. Friends, family and relationships, I fucked it up with all of them and myself.

“Do what you feel like when you feel like it.” That's my motto. I have fallen so many times sticking to it that got used to the floor. Still, for some reason, I keep getting back on my abominable feet over and over again, just to fall anew. And I use it as inspiration to write. Wonderful, ain't it?

So there you have it, my friend. If you ever happen to read any of my self help intended columns, I hope you get to read this first. I'm human, just like yourself. Don't take anything I say for granted, unless it makes sense to you. If it does and actually helps you somehow I'd love to have some positive feedback from you. On the other hand, if you hate it and have the uncontrollable urge to give me some insulting shit, please make it witty and funny. I always enjoy a good laugh.

PS: and in case you haven't realized so far, I don't actually consider you my friend. I don't even know you! But don't worry, it's okay. Would you wanna be friends with such an imperfect character as me?

I don't need you

I've had a terrible love life. Mistake after mistake, disappointment and abandonment, pity and guilt. Been there, done that, and it was shit. So I constantly asked myself what I was doing wrong, or why girls couldn't appreciate me. I mean, c'mon, I was cool! Or was I?

Nevertheless, as usual, my questions never got answered by the girls that dumped me, rejected me or treated me like dog shit on the sole of their shoes. Frustrated as I was, I started blaming all on them. It was easy, and it came easier when I turned up the volume of my music player and sang along one of the most misogynist songs I've heard: I don't need you, by Die Antwoord.



Practically vomiting this abominable lyrics, I released my grim thoughts and my hate towards those hurtful ladies. Over and over again, I unleashed the darkest part of myself to the beat of that song, until one day I got it. It wasn't them who I was shouting to. It was myself.

I was a mess. Didn't know what I wanted for my life, didn't like my work and I was basically living just to keep breathing, with no purpose whatsoever. How under this conditions could I love or be loved? I only could aspire to have mediocre relationships or meaningless affairs, all of which ended badly because I was needy and looking to find completion to my own self with my partner.

Truth is I, and actually nobody, can be completed nor fulfilled by someone else. Love is not a magical thing that will immediately fix all your flaws and transform you into a perfect person, making your problems disappear at the same time. You are responsible for this, not love, not your partner. Once you realize that and start improving yourself just because it's yourself you'll be helping, you will be able to find true love. Because love is a decision, not a necessity. I am happy with myself and I choose to share this happiness with somebody else, someone I can tell “I don't need you” and mean it. Because I'll be with her not because I need her, but because I want to.

“I don't need you, I want you.”

Can you say that to the one you love? If you do, your are in the clear. If not... well, check yourself. Nobody likes needy.

More tips to survive a girl who travels

Didn't have enough with the previous list I wrote before (How I survived a girl who travels)? Well, me neither. Here I'll share some more tips of how I could move on and keep living after my tragic experience with a gal who suffers of wanderlust.

Write about it: broadcasting your love life on a blog for the world to see may not be your cup of tea, but locking yourself in your room and just think about your tragedy won't fix anything. Alright, perhaps your writing skills are lower than a 6-year old boy's, but it's worth to try it. Or, if you rather, just talk about it. You, mate, are not a robot. The pain in your heart is feelings and emotions trying to escape. Let them out! Sing your blues away, paint your misery, act the play of your broken heart. However you can express what you are feeling is good. Every time you do it, it will hurt a little bit less.

Listen to Keane: you can listen to all kinds of music that will remind you of the girl who abandoned you, but no band is as good as this one to talk about it. Not only because the music itself is pretty good. You have to listen to the lyrics! Besides the couple of songs I'll put below, there are 4 records of these guys that you'll wanna listen to. Keane gets you.





Go mystical: everything happens for a reason, remember that. The Universe did not put this girl in your way to make your life an unbearable piece of shit. She was there in your fate because you needed to learn something. Probably the lesson is as simple as “don't fucking date a girl who travels”, but there could be much more to it, like some life changing experience or a new attitude when it comes to love. Whatever is is, embrace what she taught you. Don't be rational about it, it's better to look at it from a wider point of view. And, just between us, some girls kinda dig that spiritual pose too.

Grow a beard: somehow I've had more sex since I don't shave. Hipsters made it mainstream (yeah, ironically), and now walking around with facial hair makes you more appealing for the ladies. Won't hurt giving it a try, right?

Don't stop believin'!: I cannot be more emphatic about this point. The fact that you were dumped by a girl, traveler or not, doesn't mean this will happen again. So grow a pair, man up, get out there and take your chances in love. Not saying it will be easy, but in time you'll meet somebody else that will erase the one who's gone away from the picture.

And that's pretty much it. I think there could be a couple of tips I've forgotten, but you'll have enough with these. I totally feel your pain, my friend. I've been there in the darkest places you can imagine, but I came back, using the tips I'm now giving to you. Be wise and start using them. As I say: “you can only win when you have nothing to lose.”

Imperfection

I like imperfection; it is part of human nature. Those who accept that fact and despite their limitations achieve their goals, no matter the size of them, become more perfect than God itself.

Lying

Why do we lie? Whether it's to avoid hurting someone or just to escape from complicated situations, lying has become just one of the things we do daily, as well as eating, sleeping and breathing. But has anyone ever wonder what's the effect of constantly hiding away the truth?

As it happens with our diet and what we eat, the things we do cause an impact in our lives. And these ways we learned from our early childhood will model us so good we don't even notice it. It's so deep inside our minds we have embraced it as part of ourselves. News flash: it is not!

When you get older you start feeling weird. A little voice buried in the back of your head yells from the dark. Most people just ignores this warning sign and keeps living the way they think is right, even if this event repeats a few more times during the course of their lives. It's easier, it seems, to let go. But what if you don't want to? Easy: stop lying!

It could sound impossible, but you can live without lying. “What are the perks of that?”, you might ask. Well, it could have some contraindications at first, that would lead you to hesitate whether if it's a good choice. Then you realize it is, and has lots of rewards. The first one (and more important) is that this voice that bothered you won't do it anymore. And it's not because it disappears: it becomes you. Because, you'll see that this strange voice is actually you. Yes, you. Lying to others is cheating yourself, and by the time you have fooled yourself for too long, you get lost. Sure, from time to time you awake from your numbness and try to come back from the grave you buried yourself inside your brain, but is painless to keep functioning as you know better. Or is it?

I stopped lying for a while now. It's really hard to do it completely because it's a social convention and, every now and then, kind of necessary. But when you succeed, you start noticing changes right away. You feel more comfortable with yourself, because you now know who you are in the first place, and your social interactions become more healthy. You stop seeing people and keeping relations that aren't good for you, and leave behind all kinds of bad habits. And, believe me or not, you start feeling good. Not only good, I mean, for real. Because lying to live is no more than living a lie. Do you want to live a lie? Well, rent a movie. Wanna feel good? Honesty is the secret.